I want to start off by saying a few things that’s going to echo through out the rest of my posts. I guess you could say this is the Rules/instructions that I respectively ask for people viewing my posts because I battle with this all day every day and this is supposed to be a place where people who have similar problems can reach out and not have to hide behind a curtain. I do want to say that these blogs will be have content that could trigger people who suffer from a mental illness. This is a space where I release my thoughts so it will be a lot of rambling and may not be grammatically correct but I hope to get better over time. I can be pretty blunt at times but I’m always open for discussion, and I stay out of most things as long as it doesn’t effect me like politics and other such things. So now that we got that out of the way I’ll go Ahead and introduce myself. My name is Tristan and I am from Wichita, KS and grew up there and near by towns, I also lived in Texas for 3 years while I was stationed at FT Hood while serving in the Army as a Combat Medic. I got out due to a mixture of things such as there not being any deployments coming up in the near future. I joined to deploy and do what I was taught instead it involved a lot of doing inventory and working on broken down track vehicles. Also had some problems that made me not really give a damn anymore such as my grandma passing away and me breaking up with my fiancee and so it all hit me at once and I folded. In 2015 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and major depression, later getting diagnosed with Bipolar 2 or also know as Bipolar depression. I had been suffering with everything for awhile but didn’t realize it till then and in part 2 I’ll go over signs that I missed and that others missed so stick around part 2 is right around the corner.
So I sit here in the bathroom while I’m at work to escape everything going on trying to balance my self back to normal because I got mad for no real reason and then once done started to tear up. My irrational thoughts are eating at me from the inside and my rational thoughts can’t hold them back long enough. Why am I a week away from quitting one of the best jobs I ever had because I have an irrational fear of taking calls and therefore I take off any chance I get which then hurts my paycheck which then makes me worried about all the late notices I get. Then I have to pass my state test for insurance so I can start my new job on time and hopefully get enough to live on. So many moving pieces that have to fall perfectly to work and I’m fucking terrified! I need to see a therapist but that takes me getting out of the house which is another story down the road, no pun intended haha. But then they think I should do group sessions which intrigues me but at the same makes me very anxious. I love these headphones I have the Beats that have the ear buds that wrap around your ear and the cord goes behind your neck. It helps me to knock out the silence from the thoughts and the ringing, oh my god the ringing!! But I guess it’s time to go back to work so please give your loved ones a big ole hug and keep that memory close.
I’m hoping to get more posts out but right now I’m trying to decide where to start and on which topic or if I’ll just go straight from my mind so stay tuned there is more to come!
Welcome back, I appreciate you being so interested in part 1 to take your time to read part 2. Alright so where were we? Oh yeah!! Signs me and others didn’t see to show that I suffered from my mental illness. I remember back when i was in 7th grade that’s when the signs started showing, such as being sad for days for no reason and also why I was so agitated all the time. I always thought it was full blown anger problems, not a symptom of my mental issues. Also 7th grade was also the first time I attempted suicide and it was over a girl how foolish was I!??! If it wasn’t for me blacking out and letting go of the belt I would of been finished. Looking back at it now makes it clear that what I thought was normal definitely wasn’t normal, because growing up I thought what I was feeling was normal man I was wrong!! I battled the feeling of sorrow off and on through out high school seeing other things starting to surface such as when someone breaks up with me I become the biggest dick ever and for awhile I didn’t know why. Now i know that it was 2 things 1.) It was the anger and agitation from my mental shit 2.) It was a defense mechanism and if I said all those hurtful things then it would cut any ties of hope between us. Now I want to make this clear that I am telling you that this isn’t an excuse and I should of never treated them that away because in all honesty I miss them and cant make things right because for what I said and that’s always been a big regret of mine. Regrets are another big thing that I hold on to and ponder the what ifs. The everyday thoughts that can magically pop in to my head out of the blue is an easy way to tear down my wall and not allow me to think past. For those that suffer also when a thought goes through your head and you tried to think of something else does it ever feel like static on like a TV? I’m going to breaking down different topics that are affected by my illness so be looking out for those coming up I really enjoy doing this, it feels good to get it out and lets people see whats going on in the inside of not just me but a lot of other people in this world. Please be kind to everyone because you never know what they could be going through.